This year at Ditch the Fest, we have the amazing honor of featuring some of Austin’s most hilarious talent during Comedy Hour. Meet Austin Smartt and Chris Hills, two of the comedians blessing us with their presence and wit alongside Pat Dean, Christina Parrish, and Andrew Clarkston this Saturday at Cheer Up Charlies.
Chris Hills
Photo by Jinni J
What are you trying to convey or make people think through your comedy?
Nothing really! I just want to make people laugh… Entertain them! I don’t want to be too preachy when I’m on stage. I feel some people don’t want to be lectured too all the time!
What’s one thing a person reading this blog post should know?
I’m single!!
Do you remember your first joke, if so, will you share?
About my mom breaking down the door to whoop my ass!! My dad was there and I had never cussed in front of him so I was freaking out!
What makes you hopeful for the future?
Just staying busy and staying creative!
Austin Smartt
Photo by Jinni J
What is a recent dream you’ve had that stuck with you?
I had this dream last week that fucked me up emotionally. In it my mother and father got divorced because my mom wouldn’t stop drunk driving in school zones and my dad openly laughed in the family’s face when it was revealed that he cheated on my mom. He also laughed at me for being trans and having fallen in love (All in the dream. My dad is a wonderful person IRL). Then, in an effort to seek revenge on my dad and stop my mom from drunk driving in school zones I stole my mom’s big black SUV, but in the process of that ended up in this big police chase. The chase did not go well and I was captured and taken to prison, which is where part two of my dream starts. Once in prison, I dedicated a lot of time to trying to figure out the black market and trying to make weapons out of anything I could find. I was very afraid because I knew a person I was enemies with was also in this same prison. Trying to feed and arm myself took up a lot of this portion of the dream. I felt constantly at risk of being attacked and had to sneak around a lot. Then, finally, I got into the third part of the dream where while I was making a shiv I discovered I was actually able to use The Force (like from Star Wars). I immediately abandoned making the weapon because I knew I could fight just about anyone with The Force on my side. Eventually I found out there were other Force users in the prison. We formed a group and organized a jailbreak. I woke up and had to go to work in the middle of the jailbreak.
What is the weirdest/worst experience you’ve had while you were on stage?
What’s one thing a person reading this blog post should know?
Do you remember your first joke, if so, will you share?
I wrote my first joke before I started transition so I was still a twinky little gay boy, which is the only reason the joke worked. I don’t remember exactly how it went because it was more of a rambling bit, but it started off with me talking about Freud, his theories, and how I like to make fun of him for symbolically sucking a big black dick all the time (the man had a thing for cigars). Then I went on to talk about how in the middle of making fun of him one time I realized that I might be a Size Queen, otherwise why else would I have spent so much time and money trying to buy the biggest bongs to suck the most white stuff I could out of it. I followed that with some truly classy pantomimes of me “smoking” a giant bong, complete with coughing/choking.
What makes you hopeful for the future?
My growing boobs and a bigger ass gives me hope for the future, because by the time the world inevitably goes to shit and we are all living in a post-apocalyptic wasteland my value as a sex slave will have significantly increased.
What are you trying to convey or make people think through your comedy?
Kill the phonies.
One or Two Random Things:
(Description) Based out of Austin, Texas, Gender Fluids takes an explicit and unapologetic look into the rarely explored depths of sex and gender. Through intensely candid conversations, comedians Austin Smartt & Arielle Norman dive into everything from birthing fetishes to what misgendering dogs says about our society. No subject is too far out, or too sensitive to be discussed. Subscribe to get all of the deliciously depraved anti think-piece commentary on sex and gender you could ever desire! Not for the faint of heart, weak of mind, or lame of soul.
• The phrase “You can take the girl out of the small town but you can’t take the small town out of the girl” definitely applies to me.
• My tastes range from oddly pretentious to adorably Middle American.
• I’m a nerd to my core.
• So far as kink goes I prefer to be submissive, but I’m not unfamiliar with being dominant.
• I hate poorly placed exposed lightbulbs.
• I sleep with a pillow between my legs.
• I appreciate people who are able to have a casual conversation.
• Short Stop has my favorite fried chicken.
• I cry during all the wrong movies, i.e. I cry during Austin Powers and Talladega Nights.
• I’m a versatile lady, just as comfortable eating at El Primo or Angel’s as I am at Jeffry’s or Otoko.
• I firmly believe Scotch is just delicious liquid candy. I’m a sucker for a single malt.
• Austin is my real name. Not just my location or a screenname.
(2) Orgasms – These are free fun. How could you live without that? (3) Cheese – I’ve loved every cheese I’ve ever been with, except for Blue Cheese and Goat Cheese. They are dead to me, and they know what they did. (4) Books – Nothing is better than a good book. Nothing. (5) My Family – They are cool as hell. We are very close. I see and talk to them frequently. (6) Music – If you could live without music I don’t think you’re human. “If I should ever die, God forbid, let this be my epitaph: THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDED FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD WAS MUSIC” -Kurt Vonnegut
